What it Lacks in Diablo Cody, It Makes Up For in Killer Sharks

Sometimes, as a movie reviewer, you have to make difficult choices. There are only so many films you can watch and only so many eyes you can watch them with and only so many dollars you might be willing to shake down kids at your son's elementary school for, because no matter how talented and brilliant you are, no one at The New York Times will return your phone calls. 

This weekend I had a hard decision to make. Watch Jennifer's Body, the PG-13 horror movie penned by Diablo Cody or stab myself in the eyes and ears repeatedly like I was personally possessed by a demon. I was just getting out the dinner fork when I saw that Sharks in Venice had been released on DVD, so I was pretty much saved by the bell, because the thought of sitting through 98 minutes of self-humoring,pretend-slang infused, peppy teen dialog coming out of the mouth of Megan Fox is the one-two punch of "I hate my life." But Sharks you say? In Venice? I am SOOOOO there.

I don't want to spoil the premise for anyone, but the basic idea of the movie is that large fish with teeth, which scientists call "sharks" turn up in an Italian City known for it's waterways, and pretty much eat the fuck out of everything. Stephen Baldwin is in it, and let's just say that it's good to see ONE of the guys from The Usual Suspects doing something worthwhile. Everyone gets all hung up on Spacey because Verbal Kint was a brilliant character and so well acted but I'd like to remind you it was BALDWIN who delivered the lines "Dig, you fuck" and "Fuck you!" and "Fuck!". So he really has great range and is definitely exactly the kind of actor you should be fighting Jaws in Italy.

The trailer, which is awesome x infinity, makes the movie look like an sexy mixture of Jaws, Saw, and Raiders of the Lost Ark, so you know it has to be good, because two of those movies were directed by Stephen Spielberg and the other has the freaky guy with the big eyes who plays Ben on Lost. I think I'm making an airtight argument for this film getting a Grammy or whatever. I know if I had a vote it would be for Sharks in Venice, because how often do you see a movie that totally defies all logic and reason and instead GOES FOR THE JUGULAR. I admit that I just wrote that so that the people who merchandise Sharks in Venice will quote me on the back cover of the DVD. You don't see that kind of smart thinking from any New York Times critics. You're so lucky to have me.

This is the last paragraph before the recap, and normally I would have something else to say, but this time I'm just going to use the space to admit that I didn't actually rent the movie at all, but instead watched the trailer like a dozen times and still decided it would be better to write about this than sit through Jennifer's Body. So basically, if you trust in me, you shall find the path to enlightenment but tarry not at the gates to whatever and ...never mind. I don't even know what I'm talking about. 

To sum up: Sharks in Venice will probably be good-awful as opposed to Jennifer's Body which will just be edgy-hipster-awful, so it's your choice. I'm not trying to influence your decision but I heard that every time Megan Fox gets a commission off Jennifer's Body,  someone gives a refuge kid in Darfur a bowl of rice and then quick snatches it away and laughs at them. True Story.  

Comments

[TwoBusy]

fwiw, I enjoyed this post far more than is probably healthy.