Come on, Top Chef! Why do you mess with me so? I turned on my television last night ready and waiting to see Padma ordering room service. I saw the teaser last week. I knew what was coming.
But no, I was slapped down. Instead you gave me a reunion show. Well, sort of a reunion show, but less coherent. You called it the All Stars Dinner.
Here's some input I didn't really need: Steve Carr, the d-bag responsible for Paul Blart: Mall Cop, has been signed by Dimension Films to direct a remake of Short Circuit, the 1986 sci-fi-lite flick in which a robot out-acted Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy, which is almost an impressive feat.
So here's the thing. I actually missed the whole balloon boy saga. I was busy at my real life day job and got on twitter that night and was all huh? Balloon boy? WTF?
So, for those of you like me, here is the two second recap: The Heene family, who had previously appeared on Wife Swap, which immediately brings their judgment into question, reported that their 6 year old son floated away in an inflatable helium flying saucer like thingie. The nation and twitter becomes riveted. Except: not so much. Child was found hiding in a cardboard box in the rafters of the family's garage.
At first the public sentiment was "those poor parents, they thought their kid floated away and he was in the garage? That is terrible." And then it turned to "um, that doesn't really make sense." And now it is at "LIARS. HOAX. CHARGE THEM."
And that is where we now are.
Dear Ralph Lauren:
There has been a great deal of press surrounding your ex-employee Fillipa Hamilton, the model who was photoshopped to a ridiculous degree and then summarily fired for being too fat. I have to wonder aloud why someone who is 5'10 and 120 pounds can ever be considered overweight, as a BMI of 17, which Ms. Hamilton has, is actually considered underweight. By a lot. But that's not the world of modeling, right? Of course not. I should just go about my business and let you fire women who dare to have even a modicum of realism to their figures.
Bullshit.
The recent Miss Plastic Hungary pageant that required that its contestants have had extensive plastic surgery threw me for a bit of a loop, because it just seems strange to publicly reward women for disliking their own physical appearance. Oh, wait. We do that all the time. North America came up with The Swan, which required that its contestants also be emotionally scarred enough to agree to on-camera therapy beamed into millions of American households, so who am I to judge?
What definitely threw me for a loop is that, right on the heels of Miss Plastic Hungary, it was announced that Therese Van Belle, 58, is the winner of the Miss Homeless Belgium pageant.
I have a brand new reason to not watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. NBC had a hissy fit when they realized that the cast of Glee (a FOX show) was supposed to perform during the spectacle.
It wasn't like I needed another reason not to watch. I freaking hate parades, and now I kind of hate NBC. I see their point, Glee airs at the exact time as Law and Order: SVU. I guess NBC thinks that if the people who are still interested in sex crimes after all these years of Law and Order might be drawn away to another network by people in their mid to late 20's pretending to be in show choir.
If you live in Hungary and really want to be in a beauty pageant but you are ugly - or even slightly sub-standard looking, fear not, there is an event just for you.
Well, fear not if you have piles of money.
The Miss Plastic Hungary pageant actually requires that a contestant has had extensive surgical enhancement to qualify.
Oh how I wish I were making this up.
We've always thought of Hollywood as a magical land of make-believe, where dreams come to life and anything that can be imagined can be made real on the screen. But in a stunning new twist that seems to defy the generally acknowledged laws of the space-time continuum, Mel Gibson has suddenly and miraculously gone back in time and stopped himself from driving drunk.
As MamaPop's Jodifur reported only a week ago, onetime idol of millions Gibson has been seeking to have his DUI expunged from the legal record, as is apparently the right of first-time DUI convictees who manage to make their way successfully through court-ordered meetings and public service. On Tuesday, that wish was granted by a California judge.
The National Basketball Association established new guidelines restricting the use of social media sites like Twitter by its players and banning the use of such sites during games.
Debra Tate, sister to Roman Polanski's late wife Sharon Tate, went on television this morning to let everyone know that Polanski didn't really rape Samantha Geimer in 1977, telling Matt Lauer on the Today show this morning that "it was rape, but it wasn't rape."
Phew! Well, that just clears everything up, doesn't it?
I have this weird idea that a 13-year-old girl is still a minor and that she is not of an age to give consent to vaginal and anal intercourse while under the influence of drugs and alcohol during what is supposed to be a professional photo shoot. Debra Tate, on the other hand, pulls her card as a victims advocate and says that, in Samantha Geimer's case, she could. Seriously. If you don't believe me, here is Debra Tate's interview with Matt Lauer:
FREEZE! DROP THE MOUSE! STEP AWAY FROM THE RED X!
Because you're busted. You're on the internet. Caught red-handed. Stop lying. It makes you look stupid. This post is on the internet. Cyber entrapment? Maybe. But you're here nonetheless. Back in the webs, little fly.
Do you see the picture above? The internet emits addictive rays that addict you in addiction. And yet here you are, thinking it'll never happen to you.
After the jump, print this out and get off the internet, you weak-willed slave who lacks moral fiber.
Whooooooooa buddy, were the VMAs out of control this year. By now everyone's heard about Kanye's douchebaggery, but trust me, that wasn't the only OMG moment, by far. There were a lot of missteps at the VMAs, as there are every year, but there also were some highlights, so let's go through the show and dissect the chaos, shall we?
Thankfully, the pr0n in question is not of the estranged Gosselins. Not yet, anyway. But you know with their meteoric rise to "fame" a sex tape is due any day now.
No, the *ahem* film that I'm referring to belongs to that mainstay of the adult film genre: the parody.
I won't lie. This news made me cry and throw things a little bit this morning. Word on the street is that Evan Rachel Wood and Alexander Skarsgard are dating.
It seems that Kurt and I both had the unfortunate experience of seeing Extract this past weekend. In fact, I spent much of the morning writing about all of the ways it sucked, only to look up and see that Kurt had beaten me to the punch. So, with that out of the way, I'll expand on the related rant that I included with my review.
Lady Gaga has been put under the microscope for supposedly being misleading when it comes to her gender representation, by which I am referring to a recent video crotch shot of her at the Glastonbury Festival which supposedly reveals a larger bulge between her legs than one might expect. Personally, I don't really see it, but enough people have been so moved by her supposedly monumental mound that they have been typing out the word hermaphrodite all over the internet with the feverish zeal of a witch hunt.
Why does a barely-there crotch bump on someone publicly identified as female cause people to feel that they have the license to ask her for proof of her genital structure when Prince, a somewhat feminine male whose crotch bump is often barely apparent, is left in relative peace as it concerns his specific anatomy?
I know, another post about Jon Gosselin. We'd all be happy if we never saw his greasy, weaselly face again, sure, but he just keeps giving us reason to talk about him. This is probably as he wants it, but I'm weak and can't resist. I MUST COMMENT. Right after I roll my eyes exaggeratedly and then throw up after reading his tweets.
This time he's taking his own turn on Good Morning America, in response to Kate's recent interviews. His interview will run next week, September 8 and 9, but pieces have leaked, and, rest assured, HE BRINGS THE DOUCHE.
MAMAPOP IS SMART POP CULTURE ANALYSIS, COMMENTARY, MERCILESS FUN-MAKING AND OTHER SUNDRY AWESOME, DISHED UP DAILY BY PARENTS, FOR PARENTS, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO UNDERSTANDS THAT PLAYTIME IS BETTER WITH VODKA. PLEASE TO ENJOY. READ MORE...
