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Douchebags Archive


November 17, 2009

I Might Pick Watching Jon Gosselin Over This

Heidi_spencer_5 So, it seems Heidi and Spencer aren't content acting like the worst-matched couple in reality-television history on "The Hills" alone each week and would prefer to "branch out" to a show of their very own. Because, OH YES, that's precisely what this world needs: a little more Heidi and Spencer.

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Top Five Reasons I Want to Punch Cartoon Network in the Junk

Cartoonnetwork My son discovered Cartoon Network somewhat by accident and most likely well before the general recommended age. My 80-year-old grandmother-in-law was babysitting him one day when he was about 5 years old and stumbled upon the channel. Not being the most media-savvy lady, she made the logical conclusion that cartoons = quality kids' programming. My kid was hooked.

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November 16, 2009

Guilty Plea In Balloon Boy Saga

1112dv_balloon_hoax_parents On Friday, Balloon Boy's parents plead guilty.  Which really, wasn't any big surprise once his mom confessed.  What is more surprising is that they ever thought they would get away with it in the first place.

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November 13, 2009

Jon Gosselin Just Might Have Redeemed Himself. A Little. Maybe.

Jon-gosselin-2 This just in: Jon Gosselin might be a little bit more self-reflective than we think. Which is maybe not saying much, seeing as we - I - had thought that he wasn't at all self-reflective, but still. Check out this video from Funny Or Die - in which he spoofs and regrets his own douchey-single-dad-on-the-prowl persona - and tell me that he doesn't deserve just a teensy bit of credit for a smidge of self-reflectivity. And bonus cred for "DELETE MICHAEL LOHAN":

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Get Ready To Lose Your Breakfast: Jon Gosselin Sex Tape Rumors are Rampant

Jon-gosselin-cocaine Well kids, it was bound to happen: The Enquirer is reporting that there's a sex tape of Jon Gosselin floating around.  That excites me so much that my clitoris just shrunk inside my body in horror and I may never see it again.  Thanks Jon, you take douchebag to a whole. new. level.

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November 05, 2009

Douchebag Solidarity Fever - Catch it!

Screen-capture-1 This is the greatest video in the entire history of all humankind.

No, seriously.

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Top Chef Recap: All Stars Dinner

Top_chef_logo-mamapop Come on, Top Chef! Why do you mess with me so? I turned on my television last night ready and waiting to see Padma ordering room service. I saw the teaser last week. I knew what was coming.

But no, I was slapped down. Instead you gave me a reunion show. Well, sort of a reunion show, but less coherent. You called it the All Stars Dinner.

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The Famous Faces of Domestic Abuse

Chris_Brown_Rhianna The Internet is abuzz this week with news of Rhianna's 20/20 and Good Morning America interviews (Jodi also wrote about Rhianna speaking out about her domestic violence experience here), the ones she's giving in conjunction with the release of her new album, Rated R. Now, on the eve of those media appearances, a few additional people are speaking out about what specifically happened to Rhianna and about domestic violence in general.

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Ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean's Lawsuit Settled

Carrie Prejean Carrie Prejean sued the Miss USA Organization.  The Miss USA Organization sued Carrie Prejean.  A joint statement released earlier this week said Prejean and the organizers of the pageant reached a confidential settlement on the lawsuits.  Too bad.  I so wanted Carrie's 15 minutes of fame to continue.  

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November 04, 2009

Speidi Transmogrify Themselves Into Jon & Kate Gosselin: How to Make Me Lose My Faith in Humanity in One Easy Step

SpeidiHeidi and Spencer Pratt, aka Speidi, are one of two of the greatest traffic accidents going on reality television these days, and by "traffic accident", I mean that I love to watch The Hills just to see if Spencer is still wearing that completely ridiculous, oversized cowboy hat and if Heidi will invite the neighbour kid, Enzo, over for Spencer to throw golf balls at again.

It all just goes too far, though, when they are hybridized with reality television's other greatest traffic accident, Jon and Kate Gosselin.

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November 03, 2009

Jon Gosselin Confesses His Sin In Temple

Jon_gosselin_a_tool Um, who is Jewish?  Aren't the Gosselins Christian Evangelists?  Why is Jon consulting with celebrity Rabbi Shmuley Boteachand and confessing his sins at New York City's West Side Jewish Center?  

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October 27, 2009

Fresh Hell: Mall Cop Director to Remake Short Circuit

Short_circuit Here's some input I didn't really need: Steve Carr, the d-bag responsible for Paul Blart: Mall Cop, has been signed by Dimension Films to direct a remake of Short Circuit, the 1986 sci-fi-lite flick in which a robot out-acted Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy, which is almost an impressive feat.

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October 26, 2009

Balloon Boy's Mom Confesses to Hoax

Hot-air-balloon-denver-colorado-pic-ap-3069131 Well, well, so I was right.  In a signed affidavit, Mayumi Heene, the mother of "Balloon Boy," admitted the whole nonsense was a hoax in order to get the family more media attention for a reality show.  Dad still isn't talking.

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October 22, 2009

10 Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Tattoos, Plus the One On This Shameless Author's Butt

Tattoo_entire_face_small As long as there are people with bad ideas and it is legal to outfit other people with bad ideas with tattoo guns, we will have bad tattoos, and, man, are there some bad tattoos out there. Even Hayden Panettiere's got one. I feel for her, though, because I, too, had a brain fart in my youth, and now I've got my own slightly embarrassing butt tattoo. Here, let me show you it...

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'Shame and Honor: Asian Americans in Need of a PR Makeover' or 'My People Ain't Representin!'

Gosselin-heene-2 What is going on with Asians in the media lately? First Jon Gosselin, formerly loving husband and doting dad-of-eight, becomes douchebag of the year and the biggest reason to hate Ed Hardy. Then Mayumi Heene, mom to Balloon Boy, is accused of perpetrating a hoax along with her crazy-ass husband. Hello! Konnichi-wa! Can my people get a PR makeover, please?

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October 19, 2009

John Mayer and the "Hang In There!" Motivational Poster Kitten with Sides of Courtney Love and Scott Baio

John_mayer John Mayer bugged me on Twitter this morning, and not for the usual reasons he bugs me, like that time he told me too much about his penis or the thousand times he has made lamesauce jokes. I should probably just stop reading his Twitter feed, but like with Courtney Love and her translator, Courtney Translated, I keep going back to witness him in 140 characters or less.

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I'ma Let You Finish Art Speigelman, But Kanye West Will Have The Greatest Graphic Novel OF ALL TIME

Kanye-book Kanye West has a book coming out. Oh, yay.

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