When we rejoin our heroes the top 5 chefs are getting ready for their most difficult challenge to date. Everyone is being sweet and and talking about our inspirations when Eli does something that I cannot abide.
The bitch misquotes "The Princess Bride".
Before we begin out weekly Top Chef recap I would like to apologize for anything you read below that doesn't make sense. I caught my daughter's cold and then I walked around in the rain and then I went to an ice hockey game so I am currently all hopped up on goofballs. Cold medicine makes me silly.
Also, I don't think "Strip Around the World" is going to mean what I think it means, but a girl can always hope.
Let's get on with the show.
Come on, Top Chef! Why do you mess with me so? I turned on my television last night ready and waiting to see Padma ordering room service. I saw the teaser last week. I knew what was coming.
But no, I was slapped down. Instead you gave me a reunion show. Well, sort of a reunion show, but less coherent. You called it the All Stars Dinner.
As I accept the award for longest post title ever and episode 10 begins, our contestants are looking rough. Jennifer seems beaten down and people's metaphors have stopped making any sense.
Oh Top Chef producers, have you been reading my diary? Pork and Pinot Noir? Charlie Palmer? Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings? Those are a few of my favorite things.
Especially the part where there is pork belly and wine.
The guest judge is Charlie Palmer who not only has a high end steak house near my house (Hi Charlie!) but also happens to be the former boss of not one, but BOTH Voltaggio brothers.
Cue the ominous music people.
Bryan worked with Palmer for 10 years. Michael worked with the chef for one year. Chef Palmer assures the other contestants that he won't show any favoritism.
It gets interesting here. I was starting to tire of the brother on brother competition but as we get deeper into the season Michael seems to be spazzing out. I think the pressure is getting to him. He actually admits that he doesn't think Charlie Palmer likes him very much (which his big brother assures him isn't true) which made me uncomfortable.
Back to the competition part, Charlie Palmer starts taking about pairings. This gentleman has got my number. Red meat? Wine pairings? I freaking love this guy!
For the Quick Fire Challenge the chefs have to pair a snack food with a dish.
I know! They tricked me too! It is almost like me doing this to you:
As our chefs begin the episode. It comes out that Jennifer is sick. We even get to see her run away to puke! If this were a drama or a sitcom I would think she was pregnant. Since this is reality tv I am going to guess H1N1. How trendy! Next week after she infects them all maybe we can have a scene like the pie eating contest in Stand By Me.
The Padma introduces our special judge for the quick fire. It is Tyler Florence.
Now I feel nauseous too.
I don't know if it is my distaste for Tyler's superior attitude, the fact that Florence always reminds me of Applebees and the thought of riblets makes me want to vomit or if I caught the swine flu through the television.
Dude, you never know with HD.
Anyway the quickfire is some corporate website for the home cook nonsense that requires the remaining chefs to use three keywords.
Their keywords for mood, taste and texture and what kind of cuisine were decided by slot machine.
Oh Bravo, you are really trying hard to tie in the Las Vegas theme, aren't you. Good effort, I suppose, but I am distracted by Padma's Frayne Fashion polyester jumpsuit.
Gourmet magazine announced earlier this week that it would cease publication after nearly 70 years in print. I wasn't a regular reader of the magazine since I could never understand why fifteen steps were required to make a scrambled egg, but I would pick it up occasionally if I wanted to get more adventurous and cook up something that required exotic ingredients and fancy gadgets. I think I remember a recipe that called for the use of a food mill, a nutmeg grater, a stapler and a pound of butterflies and it was delicious.
Not surprisingly, Gourmet's publisher Condé Nast blamed the magazine's demise on the tough economic climate. But how to explain the survival of some other more obscure publications that seem to be weathering our economic downturn? Yes, rest easy - you'll still be receiving your issues of Miniature Donkey Talk in the mail and your Girls and Corpses magazine subscription won't be running out anytime soon either.
Here's a rundown of some choice titles that have managed to outlive Gourmet at the newsstand:
Dig if you will a picture of me at 10:00 pm last night with a beer and my laptop just settled down to begin my weekly first viewing of Top Chef. Imagine my confusion when it seemed to be the same episode as last week. Visualize me mashing buttons on my remote control to figure out how I am accidentally watching something I recorded instead of the new "live" episode. Hear my words, ye people, as I yell profanities at my television when I realize that it is just a rerun and there will be no new Top Chef this evening.
Thumbs up their asses.
At first I panicked about what I was going to write about today, but then I realized that this was a perfect time for a midterm recap - a Top Chef state of the union. We won't discuss any members gone (even Mattin and his red kerchief) but instead let us focus on what is left, and I'll grade them, because that is always fun!
First and foremost - Mattin Homies Represent!
In protest that our bekerchiefed buddy had left the building the chefs all wore one of Mattin's red scarves. Or maybe it was to acknowledge Biafran independence, but they all looked like Mattin and it was awesome. But why did Mattin have and why did he leave so many red bandanas behind? Were they infected with smallpox? Was he sponsored by Red Kerchief LTD? Is this the next manifestation of the Heaven's Gate cult? Was he really just bat shit crazy?
We may never know. I was distracted when Padma introduced Michelle Bernstein as the guest judge. She is a badass and plus I like her hair. Then Padma said that the quickfire challenge was a duo challenge - an angel vs. devil plate. A plate that represented their personal battles as a chef.
The winner won immunity, but not $15,000.
Like many people, I spend an unhealthy amount of time watching the Food Network. My favorite thing to do is to watch it while I'm on my treadmill; there's something wonderfully terrible about watching Ina Garten sauté garlic in two pounds of butter while I'm trying to sweat off half an ounce of fat from my thighs.
But my favorite show hands down is Ace of Cakes, the show starring Duff Goldman and his posse of hipster friends who run a bakery, Charm City Cakes. It's not so much the creations themselves - while they're amazing, I've grown a little tired of watching them make groom's cakes shaped like schnauzers and birthday cakes depicting island vacations - but the atmosphere of the bakery reminds me of all the design shops (including my own) that I worked in over the years and the camaraderie that exists when you throw a bunch of creative people into a room together.
That said, I think it's time the people at the Food Network showed us a little more about the personal lives of the quirky bunch that we see on the show. Who's dating who in the shop? Doesn't anyone ever have a fight with their mother? How about an episode where the staff goes out for drinks after work, gets hammered and then all stumble back to the bakery for a little roll in the fondant? Okay, maybe that's more than we need to see, but you get the picture.
Fine, it wasn't really "A New Hope", but it did have an Obi-Wan/Yoda type hero. This episode was full of stars and this post is full of spoilers so if last night's Top Chef is unwatched on your DVR you might want to wait until tomorrow to read this.
Vivre Las Vegas, bitches.
The high stakes Quickfire was high stakes indeed.
What do you think of Giada de Laurentiis' cleavage? When you see the Food Network chef's bosoms, does it make you reach for a nice Chianti, or do you find it disturbing and start to feel funny down there? At least one person watching doesn't appreciate Giada tossing her big, ripe tomatoes in with the pasta, and they've started a petition to stop her from corrupting the planet.
Called the 'Cover Giada De Laurentiis's Cleavage on Food Network' campaign, it aims to keep the Everyday Italian star from using her boobies to destroy unsuspecting minds. Here's the compelling argument:
How did you sleep last night? I ask because I didn't — in large part because I spent most of it awake with a 4-year old who was apparently trying to turn herself inside-out. The good news is that while I was enjoying this extended dance remix tour of my daughter's digestive system, my thoughts wandered to the many and splendored ways that this particular facet of existence has been illuminated on film over the years. In some contexts, it has been treated as comedy. In others, it's an element of high drama or great horror. But no matter how it is presented, these scenes create a portrayal of humanity at its most vulnerable — and, in the process, may even teach us a little something about ourselves.
(cue: a very special episode music...)
• Team America
I can only presume that you're already familiar with Team America, the Academy Award-winning geopolitical documentary featuring hardcore puppet sex. Lovingly crafted by the sensitive minds behind South Park, Team America features an entire galaxy of stars (my personal favorite: Matt Damon), the Eiffel Tower getting blown to smithereens, and a scene in which our hero Gary - having descended into alcoholism - hits bottom and proceeds to engage in a bout of epic vomiting that must been seen to be believed. 56. Full. Seconds. Of. Puppet. Vomiting. So staggering is this mannequinamation expurgation of effluvia that its status as the ne plus ultra of onscreen hurling is challenged by only a single precedent...
Remember in Mean Girls, how Gretchen Wieners, Toaster Strudel Heiress, kept trying to make, "fetch" happen? As in, "That is SO fetch!" Until finally Regina George told her, "Stop trying to make 'fetch' happen! It's not going to happen!"
That's how I'm starting to feel about commercials that try to make their jingles into pop culture institutions.
Gidget, the chihuahua who became a star in those ubiquitous Taco Bell commercials, has died from a stroke at the age of 16. I've never written a tribute to a dog, but I felt like this one had to be written. After all, with all the Carne Asada Chalupas and Burrito Supremes I've scarfed down over the years, Gidget's death feels like a major passing (no pun intended.) Sort of like how some of you KFC eaters might have felt when Colonel Sanders kicked the bucket (again, no pun intended.)
Many years ago, some hopeful young lads from the town of South Park asked themselves, "What would Brian Boitano do?" Based on his experiences in the 1988 Winter Olympics, fighting grizzly bears with his fire breath, fighting the evil robot kings of the future, and building the Great Pyramids of Egypt and defeating Kublai Khan in the process, Brian Boitano rose to prominence as a wise sage and prophet, just like Jesus and those other dudes.
Now he turns his powers to the insurmountable challenge of....PAELLA! AUUGGHHHH!!!!!
Julie and Julia hasn't been released yet, so consider this a pre-review. Even though I haven't seen the movie yet, I HAVE seen the trailer, which makes me an expert at all things J&J, at least in my scary little mind. If you haven't heard of it yet, Julie and Julia is the dual story of Julia Child's rise to culinary power, and how a young woman with a copy of Mastering The Art Of French Cooking started a blog documenting her attempt to cook all 524 recipes in the book in 365 days. The movie stars Meryl Streep as Julia and Amy Adams as Julie. It's going to be fantastic, I have decided, and I'll give you five reasons why.
MAMAPOP IS SMART POP CULTURE ANALYSIS, COMMENTARY, MERCILESS FUN-MAKING AND OTHER SUNDRY AWESOME, DISHED UP DAILY BY PARENTS, FOR PARENTS, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO UNDERSTANDS THAT PLAYTIME IS BETTER WITH VODKA. PLEASE TO ENJOY. READ MORE...
