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Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 11, Strip Around the World

Before we begin out weekly Top Chef recap I would like to apologize for anything you read below that doesn't make sense. I caught my daughter's cold and then I walked around in the rain and then I went to an ice hockey game so I am currently all hopped up on goofballs. Cold medicine makes me silly.

Also, I don't think "Strip Around the World" is going to mean what I think it means, but a girl can always hope.

Let's get on with the show.

Sarah Jessica Parker Speaks For None Of Us

Remind me to never to eat the cupcakes at Sarah Jessica Parker's house, because, seriously, when she says shit like this:

Beyonce, What In God's Name Are You Wearing?

Talented, beautiful, and undeniably fabulous... So explain this outfit to me.

Top Chef Recap: All Stars Dinner

Come on, Top Chef! Why do you mess with me so? I turned on my television last night ready and waiting to see Padma ordering room service. I saw the teaser last week. I knew what was coming.

But no, I was slapped down. Instead you gave me a reunion show. Well, sort of a reunion show, but less coherent. You called it the All Stars Dinner.

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 10, Meat Natalie, Craft Steak With a Twist You Saw Coming a Mile Away

As I accept the award for longest post title ever and episode 10 begins, our contestants are looking rough. Jennifer seems beaten down and people's metaphors have stopped making any sense.

Let's Talk Biggest Loser For a Second

 And by a "second", I of course mean "a good 45 minutes" in Biggest Loser two-hour bloated-ass episode time. If I really want to capture the spirit of this show, I'll go ahead and repeat this entire opening bit after the jump, just like they do after each and every commercial break. Quick! Show me the last 30 seconds that I just saw a minute ago! I cannot remember! Dr. Rob says all my body fat has settled in my skull and is destroying my memory.

Top Chef Vegas Recap: Episode 8, Pigs and Pinot

Oh Top Chef producers, have you been reading my diary? Pork and Pinot Noir? Charlie Palmer? Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings? Those are a few of my favorite things.

Especially the part where there is pork belly and wine.

The guest judge is Charlie Palmer who not only has a high end steak house near my house (Hi Charlie!) but also happens to be the former boss of not one, but BOTH Voltaggio brothers.

Cue the ominous music people.

Bryan worked with Palmer for 10 years. Michael worked with the chef for one year. Chef Palmer assures the other contestants that he won't show any favoritism.

It gets interesting here. I was starting to tire of the brother on brother competition but as we get deeper into the season Michael seems to be spazzing out. I think the pressure is getting to him. He actually admits that he doesn't think Charlie Palmer likes him very much (which his big brother assures him isn't true) which made me uncomfortable. Back to the competition part, Charlie Palmer starts taking about pairings. This gentleman has got my number. Red meat? Wine pairings? I freaking love this guy!

For the Quick Fire Challenge the chefs have to pair a snack food with a dish.

I know! They tricked me too! It is almost like me doing this to you:

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 7, The Dinner Party

As our chefs begin the episode. It comes out that Jennifer is sick. We even get to see her run away to puke! If this were a drama or a sitcom I would think she was pregnant. Since this is reality tv I am going to guess H1N1. How trendy! Next week after she infects them all maybe we can have a scene like the pie eating contest in Stand By Me.

The Padma introduces our special judge for the quick fire. It is Tyler Florence.

Now I feel nauseous too.

I don't know if it is my distaste for Tyler's superior attitude, the fact that Florence always reminds me of Applebees and the thought of riblets makes me want to vomit or if I caught the swine flu through the television.

Dude, you never know with HD.

Anyway the quickfire is some corporate website for the home cook nonsense that requires the remaining chefs to use three keywords.

Their keywords for mood, taste and texture and what kind of cuisine were decided by slot machine.

Oh Bravo, you are really trying hard to tie in the Las Vegas theme, aren't you. Good effort, I suppose, but I am distracted by Padma's Frayne Fashion polyester jumpsuit.

Gourmet Folds But Curiously Miniature Donkey Talk Magazine Survives

Gourmet magazine announced earlier this week that it would cease publication after nearly 70 years in print. I wasn't a regular reader of the magazine since I could never understand why fifteen steps were required to make a scrambled egg, but I would pick it up occasionally if I wanted to get more adventurous and cook up something that required exotic ingredients and fancy gadgets. I think I remember a recipe that called for the use of a food mill, a nutmeg grater, a stapler and a pound of butterflies and it was delicious.

Not surprisingly, Gourmet's publisher Condé Nast blamed the magazine's demise on the tough economic climate. But how to explain the survival of some other more obscure publications that seem to be weathering our economic downturn? Yes, rest easy - you'll still be receiving your issues of Miniature Donkey Talk in the mail and your Girls and Corpses magazine subscription won't be running out anytime soon either.

Here's a rundown of some choice titles that have managed to outlive Gourmet at the newsstand:

Top Chef Las Vegas: Midterm Report Card

Dig if you will a picture of me at 10:00 pm last night with a beer and my laptop just settled down to begin my weekly first viewing of Top Chef. Imagine my confusion when it seemed to be the same episode as last week. Visualize me mashing buttons on my remote control to figure out how I am accidentally watching something I recorded instead of the new "live" episode. Hear my words, ye people, as I yell profanities at my television when I realize that it is just a rerun and there will be no new Top Chef this evening.

Thumbs up their asses.

At first I panicked about what I was going to write about today, but then I realized that this was a perfect time for a midterm recap - a Top Chef state of the union. We won't discuss any members gone (even Mattin and his red kerchief) but instead let us focus on what is left, and I'll grade them, because that is always fun!

Top Chef Vegas Episode 6 Recap: Penn, Teller and the Red Kerchief Brigade

First and foremost - Mattin Homies Represent!

In protest that our bekerchiefed buddy had left the building the chefs all wore one of Mattin's red scarves. Or maybe it was to acknowledge Biafran independence, but they all looked like Mattin and it was awesome. But why did Mattin have and why did he leave so many red bandanas behind? Were they infected with smallpox? Was he sponsored by Red Kerchief LTD? Is this the next manifestation of the Heaven's Gate cult? Was he really just bat shit crazy?

We may never know. I was distracted when Padma introduced Michelle Bernstein as the guest judge. She is a badass and plus I like her hair. Then Padma said that the quickfire challenge was a duo challenge - an angel vs. devil plate. A plate that represented their personal battles as a chef.

The winner won immunity, but not $15,000.

Heroes Recap: Nobody Wins

Last night was the season premiere of Heroes, brought to you by Boston and clam chowder.  I was excited.  I was also tired after dealing with important parenting matters.  Heroes was to be my escape.  It was 2 hours long, now with an extra hour of commercials!

It turns out that I couldn't remember crap from last season.  I was lost at times, but instead of a smoke monster I had a warm beer and a lot of questions.  Apparently last season didn't leave much of an impression.  I checked to make sure House was being recorded.

Top Chef Vegas Episode 5 Recap: The One With the Camping

As I was watching the opening credits this week I thought to myself (and I would have said it out loud by my husband fell asleep on the couch and I didn't want to just be talking to my self like a crazy person*):

Self, how could Robin and Ron still be cooking on this show and Hector is already gone?

And lo and behold, less than a minute later Michael V. starts saying the exact same thing.

It is funny how when I think it is seems like commentary and when Voltaggio says it it sounds like he is trash talking his cast mates.

Mikey V. went on to say how he thought that the three best chefs on the show were Mike "the douche" Isabella, himself**, and his brother**. While I agree that those guys are all good (especially Bryan) I think that he is either an idiot or delusional to not include Kevin and Jennifer on that list.

Quick aside: Does Ashely bathe more often than regular people or does she have the "wet look" on purpose? It always looks like she just got out of the shower.

On to the quickfire:

Beware: Spoilers abound after the break

Dear Ace of Cakes: Come Out From Behind That Oven

Like many people, I spend an unhealthy amount of time watching the Food Network. My favorite thing to do is to watch it while I'm on my treadmill; there's something wonderfully terrible about watching Ina Garten sauté garlic in two pounds of butter while I'm trying to sweat off half an ounce of fat from my thighs.

But my favorite show hands down is Ace of Cakes, the show starring Duff Goldman and his posse of hipster friends who run a bakery, Charm City Cakes. It's not so much the creations themselves - while they're amazing, I've grown a little tired of watching them make groom's cakes shaped like schnauzers and birthday cakes depicting island vacations - but the atmosphere of the bakery reminds me of all the design shops (including my own) that I worked in over the years and the camaraderie that exists when you throw a bunch of creative people into a room together.

That said, I think it's time the people at the Food Network showed us a little more about the personal lives of the quirky bunch that we see on the show. Who's dating who in the shop? Doesn't anyone ever have a fight with their mother? How about an episode where the staff goes out for drinks after work, gets hammered and then all stumble back to the bakery for a little roll in the fondant? Okay, maybe that's more than we need to see, but you get the picture.

Top Chef Vegas Recap: Episode IV, A New Hope

Fine, it wasn't really "A New Hope", but it did have an Obi-Wan/Yoda type hero. This episode was full of stars and this post is full of spoilers so if last night's Top Chef is unwatched on your DVR you might want to wait until tomorrow to read this.

Vivre Las Vegas, bitches.

The high stakes Quickfire was high stakes indeed.

Top Chef Vegas Episode 3 Obsevations: Thunderbirds Recap

I'm still loving Top Chef Season 6. The competition this year is intense and the dead weight is being weeded out quickly.

Observations during the Quickfire:

1) Mike - You don't have to be a douche. Even if you want to educate the audience on risotto there are considerably more charming ways to do so. Instead you just come off like an asshole.

2) Ashley is really sweaty, but she made her own cheese, so that is something.

3) If I were Ashley I would have beaten the crap out of Preeti for being and idiot and stealing my water.

4) Poor Jesse. She isn't going to last long. I actually almost feel sorry for her. She always knows what she did wrong, but she always does something wrong.

5) Mark Peel seems know that he is a badass.

6) The Essence of the Potato - I changed my mind about what I am going to name my band.

Observations during the Elimination Challenge:

Top Chef Vegas Episode 2 Recap: The Bachelor/ette Party

It all began with the high stakes quick fire. The contestants walked into the kitchen and were greeted by Todd English and a big ass craps table.

They had to roll the dice to see how many ingredients they could use in their dish (salt, pepper and oil were freebies) which they had to make out of things they found in the pantry. Nobody wanted to roll a two and nobody wanted to roll a 12 but everybody wanted to win the $15,000.

Poor Laurine got a three, so she made a soup out of asparagus, leeks and lemon.

(spoilers after the break)