When we rejoin our heroes the top 5 chefs are getting ready for their most difficult challenge to date. Everyone is being sweet and and talking about our inspirations when Eli does something that I cannot abide.
The bitch misquotes "The Princess Bride".
Before we begin out weekly Top Chef recap I would like to apologize for anything you read below that doesn't make sense. I caught my daughter's cold and then I walked around in the rain and then I went to an ice hockey game so I am currently all hopped up on goofballs. Cold medicine makes me silly.
Also, I don't think "Strip Around the World" is going to mean what I think it means, but a girl can always hope.
Let's get on with the show.
Come on, Top Chef! Why do you mess with me so? I turned on my television last night ready and waiting to see Padma ordering room service. I saw the teaser last week. I knew what was coming.
But no, I was slapped down. Instead you gave me a reunion show. Well, sort of a reunion show, but less coherent. You called it the All Stars Dinner.
As I accept the award for longest post title ever and episode 10 begins, our contestants are looking rough. Jennifer seems beaten down and people's metaphors have stopped making any sense.
Oh Top Chef producers, have you been reading my diary? Pork and Pinot Noir? Charlie Palmer? Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings? Those are a few of my favorite things.
Especially the part where there is pork belly and wine.
The guest judge is Charlie Palmer who not only has a high end steak house near my house (Hi Charlie!) but also happens to be the former boss of not one, but BOTH Voltaggio brothers.
Cue the ominous music people.
Bryan worked with Palmer for 10 years. Michael worked with the chef for one year. Chef Palmer assures the other contestants that he won't show any favoritism.
It gets interesting here. I was starting to tire of the brother on brother competition but as we get deeper into the season Michael seems to be spazzing out. I think the pressure is getting to him. He actually admits that he doesn't think Charlie Palmer likes him very much (which his big brother assures him isn't true) which made me uncomfortable.
Back to the competition part, Charlie Palmer starts taking about pairings. This gentleman has got my number. Red meat? Wine pairings? I freaking love this guy!
For the Quick Fire Challenge the chefs have to pair a snack food with a dish.
I know! They tricked me too! It is almost like me doing this to you:
As our chefs begin the episode. It comes out that Jennifer is sick. We even get to see her run away to puke! If this were a drama or a sitcom I would think she was pregnant. Since this is reality tv I am going to guess H1N1. How trendy! Next week after she infects them all maybe we can have a scene like the pie eating contest in Stand By Me.
The Padma introduces our special judge for the quick fire. It is Tyler Florence.
Now I feel nauseous too.
I don't know if it is my distaste for Tyler's superior attitude, the fact that Florence always reminds me of Applebees and the thought of riblets makes me want to vomit or if I caught the swine flu through the television.
Dude, you never know with HD.
Anyway the quickfire is some corporate website for the home cook nonsense that requires the remaining chefs to use three keywords.
Their keywords for mood, taste and texture and what kind of cuisine were decided by slot machine.
Oh Bravo, you are really trying hard to tie in the Las Vegas theme, aren't you. Good effort, I suppose, but I am distracted by Padma's Frayne Fashion polyester jumpsuit.
Reports are coming in from Atlanta that Kandi Burress's fiance, AJ Jewell was stabbed and killed outside an Atlanta strip club Friday night. AJ had been featured on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" in which Burress is a cast member.
Last week on Project Runway, we said good-bye to our first designtestant from planet K-512, Ari. Since Ari was clearly the most loony tunes designer, I was worried I'd be bored this week, but then I realized I'd forgotten all about Malvin what with the disco soccer balls and sheer caftans of yesterweek.
Aaaaaaah, we're back, everyone! Flipping Out and The Rachel Zoe Project are back, making it a no-brainer where you should be on Mondays and Tuesdays at 10:00. Bravo, baby! But what of the unsung heroes of these shows, the assistants? (oh, I'm sorry, associates. That sounds better.) Anyway, Rachel Zoe and Jeff Lewis aren't exactly the easiest bosses to get along with, so let's take a gander at what Rachel's assistants (Taylor and Brad) and Jeff's assistants (Jenni and his maid, Zoila) have to put up with to get those paychecks. Those big, fat paychecks. Sigh.
Onward!
It was a dark and stormy night of beginnings and endings on Bravo. The new season of Top Chef: Las Vegas kicked off with a lot of booze-sauces and approximately 138 cheftestants, half of which are named Michael or Jen. And the surprisingly good-in-the-end Top Chef Masters picked a winner, although pretty much any one of the top three deserved to win.
My not-quite-a-recap jumble of impressions after the jump.
So last week, while I was all, wheeeeeee Project Runway designers! Who are they, and WTF are they wearing? (Answer: SO MUCH BLACK. SO MUCH LIFETIME TV MOVIE ABOUT DEPRESSED CHEERLEADER MURDERERS WITH EATING DISORDERS ANGST.) Bravo went and simultaneously announced the chefs who will competing for the little pile of money, the bigger pile of Gladware crap and of course, the title of Top Chef. Bravo's all, "Fuck Project Runway. Those people would rather die than design a pair of pants for your fat ass. Food p0rn ahoy!"
(By the way, is anybody watching Top Chef Masters? It sounded like such an awesome idea but I'm having the hardest time caring. Like, at all. And with that other host it's forcing me to admit that I actually like Padma a lot more than I thought I did.)
Anyway. Let's see who we've got.
Oh people. I avoided this as long as I could, but I simply cannot be silent any longer. Bravo has gone and put our worst nightmares on television. That is unless you lay awake at night thinking "Ah, the halcyon days of high school, if only I could relive them on a reality television program, but instead of concentrating on real people, the show would focus on a bunch of horrifically spoiled little brats who may not be the coming of the apocalypse, but are really damn close."
Well if that's what your secret desire is, you need not look any further than NYC Prep, or, as I call it, The Real Mean Kids of New York City.
This is a little blogging pet peeve of mine but when someone says "Hey! There's something HUGE going on but I can't tell you until next Thursday at 9:03 AM" I get all eye rolly and I groan audibly. I don't understand the teasing and the mystery though I do understand how it might pique the audience's interest to find out more.On the Internet it means hitting refresh 150 times per minute. On reality television it means googling and finding blogs and US Weekly to be sources of intel on par with the CIA. I want to know, dammit! And I'm not afraid to search high and low to get the goods.
My God, Dina, what are you laughing at? Survey says nothing as you continue to be inspired by your own BS and The Crazy that surrounds you. Survey also says that for a two part reunion special this has to be the most boring thing I've ever witnessed since A.I. These women might not be "chameleons" and very real but after six weeks of waiting I wanted fireworks. Explosions. Even Jacqueline to go into labor. Something. But no, it was laughter, some tears and Teresa doesn't know of the word 'cleanliness'. Seriously, she called it "cleanziness" just a week after telling people not to think she's dumb. I don't think she's dumb...per se...but sometimes I want to pet her on the head lovingly. Read this interview from Newsweek and then recall all of the times she sat there just staring and not saying a word. And then tell me how you feel.
So here we are at the end of a whirlwind six weeks of cat fights and straight up crazy ass bitches. On the one hand, this is the shortest Real Housewives series ever in life on the other hand, I'm pretty sure that the producers were starting to fear for someone's life and so better stop before 'investigating' turns into a mysterious disappearance. It is New Jersey after all. The drama of this season and the deep hatred of one of the cast members is something no other RH series has had. I mean Kelly Bensimon is certifiable and in her own little world but no one attempted to kick her ass in a restaurant, ya know?
This episode brought the anger in me. Anger that has been covered up by the lure of entertainment and now I'm just frustrated and I don't know what to think. Though I suppose I shouldn't be putting that much thought into a television show which relies on its viewers lack of brain cells. It's the antithesis of Lost. This show hopes that you're just as dumb as the people you're watching. This isn't the thinking (wo)man's show.
(This week we're doing a little live blog action so you can see how I feel in REAL time)
Teresa is taking her 7 year old, Gia to a meeting with Wilhelmina modeling agency in New York. It's super important, so says Teresa but you guys! Remember! Teresa is NOT a stage mom!
I love that Teresa beeps at the people in line for the Lincoln Tunnel. Yes, Teresa that's how it works, beep at the cars and they'll go faster. DUH.
Newsflash: IT'S THE GOD DAMN LINCOLN TUNNEL. By the way even though Gia is a precocious little 7 year old going on an obnoxious 17 year old, I kind of dig her and ability to know directions. If worse comes to worse thank God she can read.
MAMAPOP IS SMART POP CULTURE ANALYSIS, COMMENTARY, MERCILESS FUN-MAKING AND OTHER SUNDRY AWESOME, DISHED UP DAILY BY PARENTS, FOR PARENTS, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO UNDERSTANDS THAT PLAYTIME IS BETTER WITH VODKA. PLEASE TO ENJOY. READ MORE...
