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Best of the Worst - A Personal Top 5 Horror Films for Your Halloween (Dis)Pleasure

When I was a boy, my parents would sometimes send me, usually late at night, down the hill behind our small farmhouse to close the chicken coop.  Fucking foxes would eat the chickens, other, less carnivorous animals would eat the eggs.  So, there's my 9-10 year old self, flashlight in hand and a silent scream in my throat.  Legs tense, ready to bolt at the fist sign of the Boogieman or Frankenstein Monster or the crazy, toothless guy that sold firewood around the area.  It was commonly know that he ate children.  That didn't stop us from pelting his old beat up truck with snowballs in the winter though.  Everyone knows that child-eaters fear a well packed snowball.  It's their Kryptonite. 

Going Bump In The Night: Six Movies For Your Hallowe'en Viewing Pleasure

 In a stunning piece of news that might've slipped beneath your usually impeccable radar, it's October. I'm not even kidding — you could look it up. In even more stunning news, the end of October means Hallowe'en, a night of trick-or-treating fun and stupid-ass parents who like to pretend they're stuffed scarecrows sitting in a chair next to the front steps until some cute little kid comes along and suddenly they jump up and scream bloody terrifying murder and scare the living bejeezus out of some sweet boy or girl who's been waiting all year to go out as a fairy princess or Superman. I fucking hate those parents.

What were we talking about? Oh, right... Hallowe'en, October... blah blah blah. More pertinently, October is the month where all right-thinking Americans (and the occasional right-thinking Canadian) choose to celebrate the dimming of the day and the fleeting popular embrace of ghosts, witches, demonic were-creatures and other critters not usually welcomed into genteel society by engaging in the time-honored tradition of watching lots and lots of horror movies. Why? Because, unlike children, we can make the conscious choice to be scared — because we understand and experience it as entertainment, as 90 minutes of escapist fun that frees us from the dreary bonds of our day-to-day and provides us with the vicarious thrill of gambling with our lives.

Couple's Retreat is Funny, if You're Deaf and Blind and Are Reading Dirty Jokes in Braille.

My mother always says if you can't say something nice, don't say anything but she's a dumb, lazy whore so why should I listen to her? (Get it? I'm NOT doing what she says and calling her a whore so that's double funny for anyone keeping score at home.) Any way... I saw Couple's Retreat this weekend and only saying nice things about it is like a Battle of the Network Stars, and on the ABC Team is Mr.T, and Michael Knight, and Murray from Riptide, and my team is the PBS team and all we have is Grover, and that claymation Davey kid from the religious show that was on before Sesame Street, and Jordie LaForge with eyes from Reading Rainbow so it's pretty much an uphill battle, is my point. 

Marlon Wayans Hates You. Also Richard Pryor's Ghost.

In the ultimate "Those words don't make sense together" move, Happy Madison Productions has green-lit a biopic picture about the life of Richard Pryor, and playing the lead role will be Marlon Wayans because he's just about the funniest black entertainer  working today if you don't count pretty much everyone else and Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder and that one guy who slipped on a spilled strawberry-banana Jamba Juice© in front of Gruman's Chinese Theater the last time I was in Hollywood. Because that guy was really embarrassed and upset. Heh. Slip-and-fall injuries equals funny in my book.

Mel Gibson Retroactively Sober; Anti-Semitic Rant Still Going Strong

We've always thought of Hollywood as a magical land of make-believe, where dreams come to life and anything that can be imagined can be made real on the screen. But in a stunning new twist that seems to defy the generally acknowledged laws of the space-time continuum, Mel Gibson has suddenly and miraculously gone back in time and stopped himself from driving drunk.

As MamaPop's Jodifur reported only a week ago, onetime idol of millions Gibson has been seeking to have his DUI expunged from the legal record, as is apparently the right of first-time DUI convictees who manage to make their way successfully through court-ordered meetings and public service. On Tuesday, that wish was granted by a California judge.

Disney's "First Black Princess Movie": Should We Be Worried About This?

In a word: no. Or at least, probably not, but from the looks of the first five minutes of Disney's upcoming The Princess and the Frog - the movie that's being called its "first black princess" movie - it seems that Disney might come out okay on this one. Sure, it's just five minutes - which leaves somewhere in the area of 75 to 90 minutes for Disney to trip-up with some dodgy racial sterotypes - and we are, after all, still talking princess movie -  but these are a pretty good five minutes.

Watch them after the jump:

Zombieland Makes Money. And You Can Too...

I went out to see Zombieland over the weekend and like finding a severed toe in a box of Corn Flakes, it was a big surprise. I'm not saying it was a surprise like I went there expecting a zombie movie and what I saw was an artistic interpretation and allegory for the woes of our society personified as the unholy walking dead. What I mean was I was expecting "okay" and what I got was "really okay". I mean...it's a zombie movie...not the works of Fellini we're talking about here.

The movie was awesome. And I'd love to tell you more but you'll have to click on the link because this is what's called a "teaser" in the business. And I'm not sure what business that is, except I'm pretty positive it isn't the installation of heating, venting or air conditioning. Funny business? Like Porky's? (*shrug*)

Clash of the Titans Due in 2010. Or 1981. Depending On Your Access To A Time Machine.

So they're remaking Clash of the Titans, because of course they are. Why wouldn't they? The original was the last of the Harryhausen Claymation masterpieces and starred Harry Hamlin without his shirt or suspenders on and there was a Kraken and it kicked ass, unless you went back and watched it last year with your kids trying to show off an awesome movie from your childhood and they were all "Dad, why do all the monsters look like Gumby?" and you were all "Jesus. Are we out of whiskey already?" And then you realized it kinda had a weak plot and Perseus was being trained by the Ancient Greek version of Mickey, from the Rocky movies and in general it pretty much sucked ass and was not as cool as when you used to sneak peeks at the underwear pages of the Sears catalog.

So they're remaking it.

Renee Zellweger Opts For Fat Suit Over Weight Gain For Next Bridget Jones Movie

In the interest of full disclosure I must admit that many of my fantasies involve getting paid to eat pizza.  Dipped in ranch dressing. So, I'm not too sure where Renee Zellweger is coming from here.

But, reportedly Renée will be opting for padding over gorging to play Bridget Jones in the upcoming third installment of the movie series.

As a big fan of Bridget Jones, I find this very disappointing.  The extra weight is a huge part of the character (rimshot!).  Plus, Renee actually looks halfway attractive when she puts on a few pounds transforming her trademark eye squint from alienish to endearing.  (Although the pursed lips get even pursier so maybe it's a trade off.)

According to a source close to the set:

"Renée will be wearing a fat suit in the third film as it took her a while to lose the weight last time. She's also thinking about the effect quickly putting on and then losing 30 pounds has on her body."

(God forbid she be a size 8!  Oh, the torture for the craft.)

Renee has complained in the past about how "whacked" her body was after her weight gain for the last two Bridget Jones movies.

Hey Disney! Put That Coffee Down!

In a completely unsurprising turn, Disney has rejected David Mamet's screenplay based on the diaries of Anne Frank because it was "too dark". That's just stunning news, No? It's hard to believe that the heart-warming tale of Nazis hunting down and killing Jewish children could ever be made into something morbid and horrifying. Normally Nazi movies are so uplifting. What's next? Refusing to produce David Lynch's version of Cinderella because it's too weird? Not green-light the Farrelly Brothers' version of Beauty and the Beast because Belle gets Beast semen in her hair accidentally? 

Seriously. 

Has Disney ever even been to the movies before?

Raimi and Yeti Almost Rhyme. But Don't.

Because Sam Raimi has made some of the best horror movies ever and also because his Spider-man franchise making like a trillion dollars every time it even burps charmingly and bats its eyelashes, they have extended him the "No Rules" right of movie-making that one normally associates with the likes of Steven Spielberg or Supreme Autistic Auteur George Lucas, and what that means is that when Sam Raimi says "Hey. I think I want to make a movie about a killer Yeti." the people at Mandate Pictures say "We'll pay for that!" despite there being almost no logic involved at all. Sam Raimi has become an emotion in other words. I think next time I feel like spending an illogical amount of money on a really bad idea I'll be all "I'm feeling a little Sam Raimi today. Maybe I'll but my kids some antique flintlock dueling rifles, like the ones in Snatch."

A Review of 'The Boys Are Back' And Screening Tickets To Win!

I'm going to start off this review of Clive Owen's new movie "The Boys Are Back" the same way I started it off when I told my girlfriends about it: Clive is HOT.

That should convince 85% of the women reading (and a percentage of the men as well) so here's a review for everyone else.

Based on a true story, "The Boys Are Back" follows the life of sportswriter Joe Warr (Owen) and his journey to rebuild his world and conquer the challenges of single-fatherhood after the death of his beloved wife Katy.  The film is directed by Scott Hicks (he directed the amazing 'Shine') and is set against the breathtaking landscapes of Australia. Did I mention Clive was pretty breathtaking, too?

Cloudy With A Chance of Adaptation

Last weekend, the top-grossing movie in the country was Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. It made more than $30 million.

Thirty. Million. Dollars. Worth. Of. Meatballs.

Coupled with the enormous anticipation accompanying the forthcoming release of Spike Jonze's adaptation of Where The Wild Things Are, this signals what we can only presume will be an absurd stampede of film versions of children's classics rushed to the screen in a bald-faced attempt to cash in on nostalgia and/or a great and largely untapped source of creativity.

Does Kirsten Dunst Have to Pull Stupid Stunts to Get Roles? Already?

I know that she bugs some people but I kind of like Kirsten Dunst. I haven't forgotten how good she was as Claudia in "Interview with the Vampire". I loved "The Virgin Suicides" and "Drop Dead Gorgeous" and "Bring it On". So why, at 27, is she already resorting to crashing parties to audition for roles?

The rumor is that she crashed a party for Jane Campion because she is dying to get a role in Runaway, a film that Campion is working on that will be based on Alice Munro's book of short stories.

Giraffe Killed By The Comedy of Kevin James

When does the hurting stop? Why have we not risen as one to stop this plague of madness? And today, as we cope with tragedy, we must ask: how many lives must be lost before Kevin James is stopped from ever making a movie again?

Granted, it's not quite as wrenching as the events that took place in Chicago last July, when a perfectly innocent Sparklecorn was torn apart and eaten by an angry mob like something out of Tennessee Williams, but nevertheless I think I speak for all of humanity when I say that when a Kevin James movie kills a giraffe... society as we know it has gone too far.

The Beatles and Disney - It's On!

This has been a big week for the Beatles.  Their new game (see insanely cool commercial below) The Beatles: Rock Band is on the top of many a gift list and their entire UK catalog (plus Magical Mystery Tour and Past Masters) has been remastered and rereleased with a depth and a clarity that so many of us are missing in our lives right now.  Yes, once again we have found ourselves in times of trouble and the Beatles come to us.  Words of wisdom and all that.

How to Make a Movie out of a Board Game, or, Battleship Set for July 2011

Waaaay back in 1983 or thereabouts, I was a little kid with a bushy head of hair, a velour shirt with a floppy collar, and my very own most awesome game of Electronic Battleship.

Electronic Battleship was glorious. And electronic.  It had sound effects, 'splosions and a plasticky bulk that made it feel downright space-age (as if to confirm that feeling, Hasbro also produced a Star Wars version).  E. Battleship made the orginal board game, with its little flaps of cardboard and gunmetal grey nubs of plastic, look pathetic.

And as I sank destroyer after destroyer, glorying in those satisfying little electronic screams and rumbles, I promised myself that one day, when I grew up to be a 38 year old guy, I would produce a full-length feature film based on that rinky-dink board game.

As fate would have it, I never became an idea-starved douchebag with an office at Universal, a 'relationship' with Hasbro and an addiction to periodic Master Cleanses.  But someone sure as hell did.