MamaPop™

WTF Times Three: Johnny Depp Is the Sexiest Man Alive, Fish Are Being Eaten That Are Still Breathing, and Anissa Mayhew Had a Stroke

I woke up this morning to three pieces of news that made me just want to crawl right back into bed. Johnny Depp has been named Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, people have taken to eating deep-fried fish while the fish are still struggling to breathe on their plates, and Anissa Mayhew suffered a stroke yesterday.

I think the universe needs to go back on its anticonvulsants.

MTV's 'Jersey Shore': Yet Another Cross For My Beloved State To Bear

So MTV has this new show about a bunch of self-professed "guidos" who rent a house down the shore. They're idiots, there's lots of booze, fights, sex, and all other things that makes MTV the braintrust it is.

Get Ready To Lose Your Breakfast: Jon Gosselin Sex Tape Rumors are Rampant

Well kids, it was bound to happen: The Enquirer is reporting that there's a sex tape of Jon Gosselin floating around.  That excites me so much that my clitoris just shrunk inside my body in horror and I may never see it again.  Thanks Jon, you take douchebag to a whole. new. level.

I'll Have a Large Popcorn, a Coke, Some Reese's Pieces, and Some Post-Apocalyptic Paranoia

I'm going to tell you a secret and then immediately after this post is published you'll probably never hear from me again because I'll be whisked away to a secret location and killed or be forced to undergo extensive plastic surgery and a total identity change. Kurt and I are the same person, much in the same way Janet and LaToya and Michael Jackson were the same person, just with different hats. Kurt and I go to see the same movies because we are one and the same. Then we have differing opinions on said movies just to mess with you.

I'm pretty sure this is true. Or maybe the trailers that I saw before The Men Who Stare at Goats got to me.

Weezer Snuggies: The Perfect Marriage of Nerdery and Warmth

Before I get into this, I want to remind you that I will not tolerate any Snuggie haters. Snuggies are awesome and if you can't deal with my luxurious, ultra-soft fleece, get out of the kitchen. Or off of my couch. Whatever. I'll cut you and your trapped hands.

Speidi Transmogrify Themselves Into Jon & Kate Gosselin: How to Make Me Lose My Faith in Humanity in One Easy Step

Heidi and Spencer Pratt, aka Speidi, are one of two of the greatest traffic accidents going on reality television these days, and by "traffic accident", I mean that I love to watch The Hills just to see if Spencer is still wearing that completely ridiculous, oversized cowboy hat and if Heidi will invite the neighbour kid, Enzo, over for Spencer to throw golf balls at again.

It all just goes too far, though, when they are hybridized with reality television's other greatest traffic accident, Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Fresh Hell: Mall Cop Director to Remake Short Circuit

Here's some input I didn't really need: Steve Carr, the d-bag responsible for Paul Blart: Mall Cop, has been signed by Dimension Films to direct a remake of Short Circuit, the 1986 sci-fi-lite flick in which a robot out-acted Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy, which is almost an impressive feat.

Levi Johnston's Playgirl Spread: Why Comedy Writing Is Hard

Every day, the comedy writer waits, and waits, and waits, for something to happen to get snarky about. Sometimes there's very little to work with, sometimes, there seems to be NOTHING to work with, as if every batshit celeb took the day off, just to spite the writer.  And then there are the times that comedy writing seems to take a life of its own, and the words spring forth like so many crested waves upon the ocean, covering the sand with laughter.

Friends? This is one of those times.

Mel Gibson Retroactively Sober; Anti-Semitic Rant Still Going Strong

We've always thought of Hollywood as a magical land of make-believe, where dreams come to life and anything that can be imagined can be made real on the screen. But in a stunning new twist that seems to defy the generally acknowledged laws of the space-time continuum, Mel Gibson has suddenly and miraculously gone back in time and stopped himself from driving drunk.

As MamaPop's Jodifur reported only a week ago, onetime idol of millions Gibson has been seeking to have his DUI expunged from the legal record, as is apparently the right of first-time DUI convictees who manage to make their way successfully through court-ordered meetings and public service. On Tuesday, that wish was granted by a California judge.

Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi in Airplane-SUV Incident

Important breaking news: CNN reports that Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi were in an airplane that was landing at Hearst Castle in San Simeon, California, when their airplane hit a parked SUV.

Really. I know that it sounds like the beginning of a really stupid joke but apparently this actually happened.

Flavor Flav Returning to High School

Rapper, reality TV star, and all-around master of eccentricity Flavor Flav is heading back to high school to complete his junior and senior years. Flav's return to school will, of course, be part of a new reality TV series.

Celebrity Plastic Surgery: Did They or Didn't They?

Since 40 isn't allowed to exist in Hollywood, unless of course YOU'RE A MAN, many celebrity women seem willing to do whatever it takes to freeze time.  Sadly, the only thing frozen are their faces.

Of course they deny having anything done, instead crediting their appearance to "diet", "exercise", and, my favorite, "good makeup!". Yet, we have our suspicions...

Let's start with Meg Ryan.  Beautiful girl grew into beautiful woman and then...CLAYMATION.  Why, Meg, why?

The following celebs refuse to fess up.  So, you be the judge.  Good genes or good doctors?

Giraffe Killed By The Comedy of Kevin James

When does the hurting stop? Why have we not risen as one to stop this plague of madness? And today, as we cope with tragedy, we must ask: how many lives must be lost before Kevin James is stopped from ever making a movie again?

Granted, it's not quite as wrenching as the events that took place in Chicago last July, when a perfectly innocent Sparklecorn was torn apart and eaten by an angry mob like something out of Tennessee Williams, but nevertheless I think I speak for all of humanity when I say that when a Kevin James movie kills a giraffe... society as we know it has gone too far.

The VMAs: Win Vs. Fail, When Win = New Moon Trailer And Fail = Kanye

Whooooooooa buddy, were the VMAs out of control this year. By now everyone's heard about Kanye's douchebaggery, but trust me, that wasn't the only OMG moment, by far. There were a lot of missteps at the VMAs, as there are every year, but there also were some highlights, so let's go through the show and dissect the chaos, shall we?

Jon & Kate-Inspired Pr0n Exists. Commence Barfing Now.

Thankfully, the pr0n in question is not of the estranged Gosselins. Not yet, anyway. But you know with their meteoric rise to "fame" a sex tape is due any day now.

No, the *ahem* film that I'm referring to belongs to that mainstay of the adult film genre: the parody.

Just In Time For Back To School: Air Conditioned Pants!

Because shorts for fall is so 2008: behold, MESH PANTS.

Note that from the evidence of the pictures, it seems that you are meant to wear these without a top. Which makes sense, I suppose. I mean, if you're worried about keeping your knees cool, you've probably got chest and underarm concerns as well. Which raises the question: why not a mesh bodysuit?

Is Spencer Pratt The New Andy Kaufman?

Because seriously, as I sit here writing about him for the umpteenth time, vowing, as I always do, that I will never write about him and his facial pubes ever again, ever ever ever, I have to give the little bastard credit. He knows exactly what he's doing. He loves what he does, and he's extremely successful at it. So as much as you and I hate him (and I hate him, oh, we hateses him so much) there's a kind of poetry to what he does.

Case in point: Spencer has decided, if his sound byte to US Weekly is to be believed, to legally change his name to "King Spencer Pratt." Now after you clean up the spit take you just did, let that sink in for a minute. And then you tell me if this isn't the greatest performance art this side of professional wrestling.