MamaPop™

Spencer & Heidi: Name the Married Liars' Baby!

I know you're as sick of Speidi as I am, but bear with me.  So Spencer Pratt revealed this week that he went and saw a doctor about a vasectomy.  Without telling Heidi. But wait, she's just as bad:

I Might Pick Watching Jon Gosselin Over This

So, it seems Heidi and Spencer aren't content acting like the worst-matched couple in reality-television history on "The Hills" alone each week and would prefer to "branch out" to a show of their very own. Because, OH YES, that's precisely what this world needs: a little more Heidi and Spencer.

Speidi Transmogrify Themselves Into Jon & Kate Gosselin: How to Make Me Lose My Faith in Humanity in One Easy Step

Heidi and Spencer Pratt, aka Speidi, are one of two of the greatest traffic accidents going on reality television these days, and by "traffic accident", I mean that I love to watch The Hills just to see if Spencer is still wearing that completely ridiculous, oversized cowboy hat and if Heidi will invite the neighbour kid, Enzo, over for Spencer to throw golf balls at again.

It all just goes too far, though, when they are hybridized with reality television's other greatest traffic accident, Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Is Spencer Pratt The New Andy Kaufman?

Because seriously, as I sit here writing about him for the umpteenth time, vowing, as I always do, that I will never write about him and his facial pubes ever again, ever ever ever, I have to give the little bastard credit. He knows exactly what he's doing. He loves what he does, and he's extremely successful at it. So as much as you and I hate him (and I hate him, oh, we hateses him so much) there's a kind of poetry to what he does.

Case in point: Spencer has decided, if his sound byte to US Weekly is to be believed, to legally change his name to "King Spencer Pratt." Now after you clean up the spit take you just did, let that sink in for a minute. And then you tell me if this isn't the greatest performance art this side of professional wrestling.

Heidi Montag, Pratt, Whatever: The Joke Was Never Very Funny

Heidi Pratt (née Montag) performed at the Miss Universe 2009 pageant last night, and, somehow, I don't think that she has gotten the joke yet.

Or maybe she has and I am just not giving her enough credit, but she is a punchline, isn't she? Whether she realizes it or not barely matters across a broader cultural context, though, because the joke isn't very funny no matter how you look at it. It's pathetic.

On the one hand, she praises Jesus on Twitter and thanks God for all her prosperity whenever she's in front of a microphone, and yet, on the other hand, this Jesus-blessed prosperity is partially born from her pimping out her own ass for cash and fame.

This Week in Nekkid "Celebrities"

Celebrities are funny creatures. They have fine designer clothing worth tens of thousands of dollars that people are constantly asking about with cries of, "who are you wearing?" Yet so many seem to have trouble actually wearing those clothes when there's a camera around. This week brought us never-before-seen nude photos of Twilight's Ashley Greene and High School Musical's Vanessa Hudgens, with both actresses crying foul and "thief." 

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Have you ever wished that reality TV was actually real? Do you like men in tight pants?  Beer commercials?

Are you ready for some football?

Yes, football.  That's right, I'm taking MamaPop into some unchartered territory here: sports talk.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Make a Mockery of Doing Stuff

I'm not sure why Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are running around on a beach in the rain in that picture to the left, but I'm sure that it really doesn't matter .  I'm guessing that they are aping for photographers for again, which is all I care about, really, because their ridiculousness is the Cheez Whiz on my celery sticks.

It's strange how what exactly their doing or the reasoning behind their actions barely matters.  Their celebrity is now based almost purely on the public waiting for them to either be a) pretty stupid or b) ginormous assholes and then the public getting to see them be a) pretty stupid or b) ginormous assholes.  They are officially so obnoxious that they have been banned by E!, which is why I will only torture you this one last time with their wealth of pestiferousness.

Speidi Returning to 'I'm A D-List Attention Whore...Get Me Out Of Here!'

Did I get the title of that show right? Oh, silly me, I'm so bad with names. 

Yeah. They're back. Janice Dickinson is gone but Speidi are reportedly back on a plane to Costa Rica after quitting I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, saying they were tortured and threatening to sue. When questioned about why they were going back given their terrible ordeals, Spencer and Heidi indicated that their very existence was in jeopardy: since no one had talked about them for the last four days, they started to sort of fade away like Marty McFly in Back to the Future does when he alters his parents' past too much. Okay, they didn't really say that, but it's one theory. 

They're never going away, are they? No. They are the mutant cockroaches of D-list celebrities and will outlive us all.

Lauren Conrad Tells All About The Hills

Wow, Lauren Conrad is dropping bombshells about The Hills' behind-the-scenes now that she's not on the payroll.

Only not really. Like, at all. 

You guys, please prepare yourself for the most unshocking spoiler in the history of television reveals:

Heidi and Spencer Pratt Are Getting Eaten Alive on Daytime

I know that we already mentioned them earlier today, but Speidi, the couple who seems incapable of not acting ridiculous when faced with a camera lens, has been at it again.  Heidi and Spencer Pratt have taken their co-dependent, sideshow villainy on the road from The Hills and I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! to the TODAY show and The View.

Since leaving I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here — they felt they were not being treated as the super celebrities they perceive themselves to be — they are making the rounds of morning talk shows, showing off just how vapid they truly are.  Personally, I find these two to be so obnoxious that they're hilarious most days, but this morning I actually felt kind of embarrassed for them. Just get a load of their general cluelessness in an interview with Al Roker this morning:

Why "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" Is Not Unlike Black Tar Heroin

Y'all. I had one reason and one reason only to watch "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." That reason, of course, was our beloved Speidi, and who didn't want to see stick insects be poured all over the Pratts, I ask you? No one, that's who. So I watched the first episode. Aaaaaaaaaall two hours of it. And then I watched the second, and the third, and OH MY GAWD I LOVE THIS SHOW.

For the uninitiated, "I'm A Celebrity" is very easy to explain. It's "Survivor" with D to Z list "celebrities" who are dumped in the jungle of Costa Rica for three weeks (although since we're already seven episodes in, they're fudging the time a bit - what a shocker for a reality show!) and learn to survive, outwit, outlast, outblahblahblah until they're voted off by YOU the American viewer. Not a hard concept to entertain.

Now that we have the basics down, get yourself a beverage and let me tell you why you should be watching this show. Because Oh Em Gee, you need to be.

Spiedi Try To Quit "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here"

Oh you guys. We saw this one coming, did we not? According to reports, Speidi arrived in Costa Rica for their stint on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, which is being labeled as starring C-listers, but the list smacks of D to Z-list, and immediately wanted out. Tantrums were had, and Speidi gets another headline.

And I'm beginning to think that this whole thing is some perverted performance art.

I Frankly Don't Even Know What To Say About This

And you'll pardon me for my incoherence once you check out this video. Trust me.

OMFG WTF ARRGGHH!!??!!?

Someone, please, explain this to me. And fetch me my smelling salts, while you're at it -- I seem to have a touch of the vapors all of a sudden...

[Thanks to reader Monica for the heads-up!]

All I can do is think of the infamous scene in Aliens when the lil' alien bursts forth from John Hurt's stomach. The look on Veronica Cartwright's face as she was showered with blood was authentic - the actress had no idea that was going to happen. Her horror was real.

And the thought of Spencer Pratt fathering children has the same effect on me. I had not previously thought of such a heinous thing, as I enjoy keeping the contents of my stomach to myself, thank you, but now freaking Heidi's sister in law has opened her geedee yap in US Weekly, and the unsuspecting public has to think of the unrelenting horror that would be a Spedi...urp...BROOD.

Happy place, happy place, I'm thinking of my happy place...

Blah blah blah Speidi totes got married for real this time except for the parts that had to be re-shot afterward who even knows anymore what with all the running away screaming and bleeding eyesockets. But don't worry that you've missed out on all the excitement before it even began: their current trip to Mexico is not, I repeat NOT their actual honeymoon.

"We're not on our honeymoon technically yet. This is a music-video shoot we're doing this weekend," Heidi said. "The honeymoon's coming in a couple weeks."

Another music video AND another whole vacation full of staged bikini prancing? Do you think they'll let us see some PHOTOS? Or even televise the WHOLE THING? Wow. Speidi is the gift that keeps on giving. Like a certain medical class of rashes, in a way.

By the way, in case you skimmed that first part: they're in MEXICO. Which means:

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" are getting married tomorrow, God help us.  We all know that Spencer Pratt would be nowhere without Heidi's coattails, and Heidi is pretty milquetoast without Spencer's oily, snake-like quality rubbing off on her life, so I have always assumed that their relationship was a professionally agreed upon ruse to fuel their empty celebrity. It is getting to the point, though, where I think they might be falling for their own little media machine.  Either that, or the gods have given up on our little planet once and for all, because I fear that this is not an a-ha-gotcha kind of wedding like the last two but a real, honest-to-goodness religio-legal event.

Oh My Holy Gawd. Spedi Baby Plans: "We Want Four Spencer Pratts!"

All I can do is think of the infamous scene in Aliens when the lil' alien bursts forth from John Hurt's stomach. The look on Veronica Cartwright's face as she was showered with blood was authentic - the actress had no idea that was going to happen. Her horror was real.

And the thought of Spencer Pratt fathering children has the same effect on me. I had not previously thought of such a heinous thing, as I enjoy keeping the contents of my stomach to myself, thank you, but now freaking Heidi's sister in law has opened her geedee yap in US Weekly, and the unsuspecting public has to think of the unrelenting horror that would be a Spedi...urp...BROOD.

Happy place, happy place, I'm thinking of my happy place...

Speidi Manage to Make Me Both Anti-Heterosexual Marriage & Pro-Swine-Flu All At Once

Blah blah blah Speidi totes got married for real this time except for the parts that had to be re-shot afterward who even knows anymore what with all the running away screaming and bleeding eyesockets. But don't worry that you've missed out on all the excitement before it even began: their current trip to Mexico is not, I repeat NOT their actual honeymoon.

"We're not on our honeymoon technically yet. This is a music-video shoot we're doing this weekend," Heidi said. "The honeymoon's coming in a couple weeks."

Another music video AND another whole vacation full of staged bikini prancing? Do you think they'll let us see some PHOTOS? Or even televise the WHOLE THING? Wow. Speidi is the gift that keeps on giving. Like a certain medical class of rashes, in a way.

By the way, in case you skimmed that first part: they're in MEXICO. Which means:

The Hills' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Are Getting Married Tomorrow, God Help Us

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "The Hills" are getting married tomorrow, God help us.  We all know that Spencer Pratt would be nowhere without Heidi's coattails, and Heidi is pretty milquetoast without Spencer's oily, snake-like quality rubbing off on her life, so I have always assumed that their relationship was a professionally agreed upon ruse to fuel their empty celebrity. It is getting to the point, though, where I think they might be falling for their own little media machine.  Either that, or the gods have given up on our little planet once and for all, because I fear that this is not an a-ha-gotcha kind of wedding like the last two but a real, honest-to-goodness religio-legal event.