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TONIGHT on The Bachelor! We’re in Panama City, Panama, which is gorgeous. Everyone is in lurve with Benny. Dead Shark Eyes is fixin’ to have ALL the girls rat her out for the beesh she is. And Casey S gets a message from Harrison that sends her into hysterics. LET’S DO THIS. Who put all [...]
Okay, we’ve all seen the commercials and the naked and the rose in the water. Are we ready for this? I mean, does everyone have their beverages and their Xanax at the ready? Because I have a feeling this is going to be quite the episode. And I mean “episode” in the “psychotic episode” kind [...]
Everyone ready? Beverages prepared? Silkwood showers imminent? LET’S DO THIS. TONIGHT on The Bachelor! Park City, Utah, is very pretty. Horsies! Holes in the ground! Spit swapping and bullshiz declarations of love! And things? Are getting UGLY, culminating in someone going home on a date, which is going to be AWESOME. But most importantly, Dead [...]
TONIGHT on The Bachelor! We go to San Francisco, where we climb the Bay Bridge and get into bikinis to…ski? Sure, why not. Also kissing, dancing, fireworks, fighting, nausea, and a MYSTERY GUEST WHO WILL CHANGE THE GAME. Let’s don our full body condoms and get started! I gotta go potty first, Mommy. Everyone is [...]
Here we are again, my beloved little squirrels! So let us, like Benny does in the preview, hit it and quit it, shall we? Welcome to The Bachelor! Tonight we open in Sonoma CA, where Benny walks his very small dog and waits for the ladies to arrive. He yammers about his hometown and the [...]
We’re BACK, betches! The old gang is all here, you, me, HARRISON, and…Ben. Oh, Ben. You were dumped on The Bachelorette and are probably the most beige guy who has ever beiged, and your hair…oh GOD the hair. But we’ll get to that in a moment. For now, let’s go to the festivities as Ben [...]
Last night was the seasonal finale for Bachelor Pad, the reality show about a special home for the rejects of the Bachelor franchise. After weeks of relationship drama, crying girls, bathing suit romping, and overtly sexual games that rival my spring break at Daytona in ’93 (what, just me?), we finally got to hear the [...]
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